Bukish Blog Chapt 6 (Read Chapt 5 first)
Jesus Cops an Attitude
by John DAgostino, Eccebtric Outsider Artist, a.k.a. The John Dog
News of the Weird - Guinness Book of World Records just announced a new category, Marathon Sex. First on the list is the country of Israel after finally ending its 38 year screw of the Palestinians on the Gaza strip. The international community praised the pull out and applauded the Israeli Prime Minister. Sharon said, we would have pulled out sooner, but it felt so good yet we couldn’t seem to climax. He added it’s time to wipe off our dicks and get down to the business of peace. Excellent idea. A big high five to all involved. Richard Milhous Nixon, 37th president of the United States ranked 11th on the list for his screw of the American people from 1969 to 1974. Current US President Bush is unranked because he’s still in the process of screwing the world and fucking up the US economy. Back to you Hank for the latest update on the weekend activities at Bear Mountain.
After Sarah’s adventure with winnie the pooh she came back to join us all in our quest for drunken oblivion. Big Ern looked at her and said, "Girl, you’re one nasty sucker." We all stared at her not believing what we had just witnessed. She said, "What the fuck. I got rid of him didn’t I?." Ern replied, "Please, go brush your teeth or something." Sarah didn’t protest, she did, and was soon back with minty fresh breath cracking jokes with the rest of us.
Sarah had some good jokes. Here are a few that are worth repeating. A priest and a Rabbi are walking through the woods. Off in the distance they see a little boy who appears to be lost. The Priest says to the Rabbi " hey let’s go fuck that kid really quick", the Rabbi says in response "first lets see how much money he has". Some of us laughed at that one and some of us groaned. Jesus sat there looking a little anxious.
Sarah fired off another one, There’s a pedophile and a 6 year old boy walking through a dark wooded area. The kid looks up at the pedophile and says, " I’m scared" the pedophile looks at the boy, and says " You’re scared, I’m the one who has to walk home alone". Yea, I know it’s sick but most of us laughed. We were drunk as skunks. Beads of sweat appeared on Jesus’s brow.
I stagger to my feet and spit out, "I have a confession to make." I pause for effect and shout, "I have NO ASS." I give a twirl and show off the back of my baggy pants. "I got a nice big gut, but no ass." I explain that a physical therapist once suggested that it was because I wore a belt. The belt held everything back from sliding down to my ass. He said I should wear suspenders instead. I found this hard to believe, outside of the realm of possibilities. It would be impossible for my gut to slip around the back to my ass. The laws of gravity dictate that it would slip straight down and I’d have two swollen twenty pound balls hanging between my legs. Hard to walk like that. He then tried to convince me to invest in a natural herbal medicine pyramid scheme and I knew right then that he was totally full of shit. Ern said, thanks Hank, thanks for sharing and rolled his eyes. No one seemed impressed with my confession so I flopped back down in my seat and drank what was left of the vodka.
Sarah, says I got one more and then I’m done. Rich guy buys this new hummer with an awesome high tech sound system. It’s got 160 amps, mega bass speakers, all sorts of bells and whistles, as well as voice, recognition. So he’s driving down the freeway and he says out load, Play something funky for me, James Brown immediately starts playing. He pulls off the highway and is driving through a residential neighborhood. He wants to relax so he says, Time to chill out, and some smooth jazz starts to play. All of a sudden a couple kids run out in front of him. He jams on the brakes just in the nick of time to avoid hitting them. He’s pissed off and shouts, "Fucking kids", and Michael Jackson starts to play. Rim shot, please. We’re all trying not to pee ourselves. I’m practically choking to death on my laughter. Tears are rolling down the sister’s eyes. That was a good one.
Jesus jumps up, fires an evil eye at Sarah and say’s, "You trying to mess with my head bitch?" It gets deathly silent and we all look at him. He says, "Nobody fucks with the Jesus". You could have heard a pin drop. He yells, "Quintano done his time, don’t be persecuting me or I’ll pull out my new Bic lighter, sick it up your hairy Jewish cunt and flick it till it goes click, click, click." " I’m not confessing to nothing." At that point Big Ern steps in and says " Whoa, compadre calm down or maybe it’s time for you to go." There’s a knock at the door. It’s a guy with Jesus’s suitcase. Jesus is shaking with rage. He shouts, "Fuck you all", and catches a ride back to the city with the courier. Touchy, touchy
With that little drama over we realize that it’s starting to get dark. We’re all getting hungry and the bear has eaten our steaks besides the fire has gone out. Ern’s got a couple big boxes of Tyson frozen drumsticks in the freezer, so we slosh them with bar-b-cue sauce and pop them in the oven. I love southern girls they are so domesticated. Linda Lou and Betty Sue start setting the table and take out all the goodies our group has prepared, potato salad, baked beans, and the like. I switch to beer and start nursing a bottle of Bud. Mc Cracken turns to Sarah and tells her, "Well you are just full of surprises tonight." and he lays on the charm.
We’ve been drinking heavily for 4 or 5 hours by then. Most of the hard liquor is gone, but there’s a shit load of beer left and the wine that Jesus brought. Big Ern is putting the moves on Sarah. I think the whole thing with the bear got with really turned on. I’m doing my best to entertain the sisters. I read them some of my old poems, do my drunken clown act. Soon the chicken is cooked and we move to the casual dinning room.
The dinning room is adjacent to the porch and with the sliding glass doors open we get a cool breeze from outside. We’re all chowing down pretty good. The chicken is spicy, the side dishes are tasty, and the beer and wine keep flowing. I’m two sheets to the wind and having trouble finding my mouth. I keep slobbering beans all down my front which begin to form a pile on my balcony of a stomach. In contrast the southern belles are nibbling on their food and wiping their mouths daintily with their cloth napkins. Ernie is still flirting with Sarah and he does that old routine with the airplane and the hanger using a large fork full of potato salad. "Here it comes, Open wide." says Ern. I call to Sarah, "Hey, Sarah watch out Ern doesn’t have his pilot’s license" and with that she turns her head and the potatoes hit her cheek and bounce down her chest into her cleavage. She’s loaded to the gills so it doesn’t phase her at all. She reaches in, pulls out a hand full of potatoes, gives Ern a devilish grin and flings them at him. They spatter across his shirt. Sarah attempts to wipe the mayonnaise off her milk jugs. She brushes too hard, the thin scraps of her blouse break and her breasts tumble out. The sisters are laughing. I’m licking my lips, And Big Ern is taking aim with a slice of cherry pie. He tosses it at Sarah, but she sees it coming and ducks. Unfortunately for Linda Lou and Betty Sue they don’t see it coming and the pie manages to hit both of them. Their nice white dresses are covered with red and it looks like the both of them have been blown away with a twelve gauge shotgun. By now you’ve figured out where all this is going. All hell breaks loose. Food is flying everywhere.. People are dodging beans and salads. Biscuits are hurled across the table. Chicken and pie is everywhere.
Big Ern stands up, makes a ‘T’ with his hands and yells time out. We stop and all burst out laughing.. I’m laughing so hard that I accidentally bend over and my face lands in my half finished plate of food. Ern announces that dinner is officially over. I wipe my face and down the rest of my beer. The ladies drain their glasses and we all head for the showers. Big Ern pinches Sarah’s behind and says you’re coming with me babe. They retreat to the master bedroom.
I have a room to myself which is next to the girl’s. We stagger arm in arm toward our doors. Before we enter our rooms I brashly flash them a seductive smile and give them a double wink and slur, "I’ll see the two of you lovely ladies later." In my room I disrobe and search for the shower. I open one door, no that’s a closet. I hear the shower going in the other room. I open the door near the elk’s head that’s mounted on the wall and what to the wonderment of my eyes should appear but Linda Lou and Betty Sue buck naked standing there. Their firm bodies glistened with beads of water from the showers. Our rooms are attached, we share a bathroom. Thank you Big Ern you’re the man, you’re the king, you didn’t forget you old bowling buddy. I join them in the shower and with sponges in hand they wash the food from my body, my hair, from everywhere.
We towel off and go into their room. Each of them puts on a silky shirt and I grab a robe. They get into bed and I ease in between them. The three of us are really drunk. There’s a little fondling, a little kissing, a grope here and a grope there. The master bedroom is across the hall opposite ours. I can hear some growling coming through the door. I tell the girls, "Big Ern is up to his old tricks." He’s probably got a ranger hat on and playing Smokey the Bear.
All of a sudden there’s this loud crashing sound, glass breaking, and all sorts of noise. I bolt into the hallway and bump into Ernie almost knocking him down. We creep down the hall to see what all the racket is. The women tentatively follow. In the dining room are three bears of various sizes. Seems like the brownie has come back with some friends. They’re munching on our left-overs, pounding down beers and smashing the empties on the floor. Big Ern somewhere along the way picked up a broom and he had it in hand. He bravely looks at the bears and clears his throat loudly to get their attention. He says, "Excuse me, but I don’t remember inviting you three to the party." , "Your going to have to clean up this mess."
In unison the bears stop eating and raise up on their hind legs. They seem to look right past me and Ern to the half dressed girls behind us. Each of them let out a big burp and I could see that their peckers were starting to rise. Sometimes alcohol will empower one with the courage to do amazing things. But his was not one of those times. Ern threw the broom at them and we ran towards the front door. Sarah slipped on the carpet and fell. Linda Lou and Betty Sue tumbled on top of her. We beat it out the front door as fast as we could. We made it to Ern’s jeep jumped in and sped away leaving the girls and horny bears behind. What the hell, there are plenty of fish in the sea, women are a dime a dozen, but a good bowling buddy is hard to find.
